MARRIED TO LIFE

           

                                                            

A flash of my cell phone told me that it was eight in the morning and I was still in bed, which was unusual of me in any of the other times of the year. It was my holiday and it was my 10 year old favourite annual ritual of spending the vacation at Meghana’s place. She was my dearest friend for years now. It was her constant complaint that I over worked; she always called me a workaholic which I did not deny. For me working was synonymous to living. It is my pride that I chose what I should do with my time and what I chose had me working every single moment. Basically I am an educator in a primary school, a professor of psychology department in an evening college and a number of other activities and interesting people occupied my schedule every day, and every day was different than the other, I made it so. Imaginably I hardly had the time for a “do nothing” break. But it was Meghana’s concern that I did have one. She insisted every year that I pay her and her daughter a visit, where and when I myself got pampered limitlessly with the luxuries of laziness! 

So, finally when I made my decision to wake up, I tucked my blanket around little Maya, Megha’s five year old daughter, who was still asleep and got out of the room.

 “You can’t sleep longer, can you?”   It seemed like she herself woke up only a little before.

 “I have already broken my record of late mornings.”  

“O come on! It was 2 in the morning when you told me good night, baby”, we always talked late into nights, about everything and about nothing. Our talks ended for the night only when my eye lids unknowingly shuts down because it cannot keep up any longer. “I don’t want to sleep away all the time I have with you buddy.”

I settled in the balcony, where I waited for her to bring our tea. With nothing much to do I signed in to Facebook. My wall was loaded with Radhika’s pics, it seemed that she had returned from her honey moon and have shared all the pics she thought she could. Radhika is another one of my best friends recently wedded the man who embodied all her expectations (or so she thought as of now). In all her pics, they were both smiling and laughing extremely enjoying their marital bliss, there was no doubt she deserved all this. I posted my comment happily infected by her happiness with my hearty wishes for the handsome couple. Just in time Megha found me grinning big looking at my tablet.

Impulsively I showed her Radha’s photographs. Sadly Radha’s happiness did not seem to touch her. In fact she lost even the little smile she had. She just said mostly to herself “It all begins like this, hope that it does not end for her like it did for me.” I felt ashamed for not being thoughtful enough. The images brought memories of her own unsuccessful marriage which she was trying hard to forget. Regretting my action, I patted her, she gave me a sad smile, “Not everyone could get as unlucky as I did right? “ She paused. ”I know it is foolish to sulk every time I see a happy couple though it reminds me of my wounds.” I felt uncomfortable for the bad scene. Right then,  Maya came running and huddled on Megha’s lap and planted a good morning kiss on her cheek, that helped Megha recover quickly. She pulled her daughter closer, with a big grin she said “I have her now and she is all I care about, it is time that I stopped licking my wounds and let it go.” Saying so she left to prepare breakfast.

It was four complete years since Maya’s arrival into Megha’s life. Unlike a normal mother, Megha had waited for this fairy for five whole years. It was more than just struggle, to handle the event of letting go of a relationship that was held so dear for so long and suffer with the memories of the past and the wounds of the present. After her divorce, an adoption was a way through which Megha sought to bring in meaning to her life but it was not easy. Anyways , the results it brought with it was magical. Maya cured Megha of all that we were afraid could ruin Megha. So every year we made it a point to have a blast for a birthday celebration. 

The birthday went too well, she looked like an angel in the dress I bought for her. Maya was so happy with the teddy bear her mom presented her.  I teased Maya that the teddy bear was bigger than her. Megha, Maya, and all her little friends had a beautiful day. It was a BIG day for Megha and for the rest of us. After the celebration I made arrangements to return. Megha and Maya accompanied me to the bus station. Maya insisted that I stay longer. I told her I would the next time. She said, with a look of innocent sincerity in her lovely eyes that she would have grown taller than the teddy bear the next time I met her, her innocence brimming in her big eyes. Megha had tears in her eyes while she said, “I have already started to wait for the next time you are going to make it here, please take care of yourself. Love you loads.” My bus started on its route, as I waved them good bye.

Throughout the journey back, I replayed all the wonderful events of the visit, happy and content with the bag load of memories I was carrying with me. And then my thoughts turned to things at home. Mom had called me every single day. But strangely I got no calls from Rajiv, my only brother during the entire trip of two weeks. All I gathered from Amma was that his wife is not feeling well.  Though we dint call each other every other day, we managed to constantly keep in touch. I tried calling him once from Megha’s place but the call went unanswered. So I made a mental note to check on him as soon as possible.

Finally I was back home and it took me few day to sync in with my everyday schedule. Mom was happy that I returned. She missed me whenever I was away, whether it was for work or for vacation.

 I called Rajiv again.  His tone had a lot of sadness in it. He informed that Nithya had had her fourth miscarriage last week as a result of which things have got really bad at their home.

It has been three years since Rajiv has married. Rajiv and Nithya made a good couple. But things dint seem very well after they decided to have a baby.  The first time there was news that she was pregnant, all of us were happy. But the happiness did not last long. It took a lot of time to settle things into normality. So it was imaginable how bad things could be at his place.  He said he will meet me the next day.

“We got our reports analysed last week. You believe me or not since then home means hell to me”.

“What actually is the problem? Have the tests identified the problem?”

“The problem is that the reports suggest that it might be because of some uterine problems. And she cannot digest that.”

“The saddest part is in her eyes I am her rival. It makes it so difficult to understand the reality just because I have no problems as per the reports. She has stopped talking to me altogether and avoids me totally. I don’t know what I am to do!”

I could understand his feelings and hers as well. He loved her and a baby is not going to change that. As far as she is concerned, always being an achiever in everything she did, it was difficult for her to accept that things could go wrong. It was not hatred but insecurity and non-acceptance that was causing the problem

“Give her some time if that is what she wants and let her know you still love her no matter what. Things like these are very hard for a woman to digest.”

“I know. And I am trying my best but it is not easy for me too especially when she makes it seem like I am the cause for everything!”

“Things will get better. You have to be on her side.”

There was nothing more to say, for him and me. He left with a weak smile looking years older than he was. Some problems are complicated only time can provide the solution.

 I returned home, feeling sad myself for whatever happened, at times we are limited to do just that how much ever we cared for the other. But my home had different things to bother me with. It was loaded with people. One of our family friends had turned up to invite us in person for their daughter’s wedding. I personally have nothing against wedding nor the people who are to be wedded, but what makes things worse is that such invitations reminds my mom to talk me into a wedding which I have denied so far. No matter how many ever rational reasons I give her, she never stops trying and for some days there is a big void in the family till we patch up. I don’t know how long this melodrama shall continue! I am already thirty five. Is not there any age bar that disqualified people for marriage, I hope there was one, it would have brought some peace and hope for people like me.

“The wedding is at Guruvayoor Anu on the first Sunday of next month, can you come with me?”

“Ma you know I don’t attend weddings! But because it is a Sunday and it has been a long time since we went to Guruvayoor together, I think I’ll go with you. But in return you have to promise me you will not talk about my marriage or anything related to it when we get there, deal?!

“You should be a mother to understand what I am going through, answering people why I have not yet gotten my daughter married! Please tell me what to tell them and I won’t bother you forever.”

“Ma let’s not go through it all over again, please. I have given you the answer so many times. Now answer my question, is it a deal or no deal? I have got to make arrangements.”

“It is a deal. You show such generosities to me only once in a while I don’t want to waste it.”

“That is great!” I walked up to her putting my arm around her I asked, “Why are you so adamant to get me out of this home, ma?”

“You silly girl, do you think that is what is in my head?” she planted a forehead kiss and continued, “hmmm, I have failed to convince you with the reasons to get married, now all I can do is surrender it to God. Let Guruayoorappan make you understand.”

I got the tickets reserved and made arrangements for our stay there. The day of the journey arrived and we were seated, the train started.

With the rhythmic motion of the train, my mom drifted to sleep and I lost myself in the train of thoughts and memories, memories that became the meaning of my life.

Ten years back I had been to a service camp that was aimed at improvising the healthcare conditions in remote rural areas. It was my first camp and it gave me enormous wealth of experience. On the day of our return all the volunteers were provided with transportation to the nearest bus station that was 40 km away. The travel from the camp to the station lasted an hour and a quarter, the seventy five minutes that changed everything for me.

Lucky I was to get a seat by the window. All the events of the camp ran like a movie inside my head bring with it so many emotions, overwhelmed by it I had tears in my eyes. I would miss everything that had become so dear to me in the last two weeks, the people, the energy, the team spirit, the pride of being able to bring change and most of all the company of a close friend, his name was Krishna, my team leader, the most dynamic person I met. His perspective was amazing and his insights were the coolest. We were quick friends and that itself gave me such pride. As I was replaying all the wonderful things in my mind, I heard his familiar voice, “Has someone occupied the seat beside you?”

I shook my head. He crammed his baggage in the little space and settled beside me. “So we are about to begin the journey to end the camp.” He smiled. “How was it for you?”

With multitudes of emotions coursing through me, I choked and finally got out these words, ”It was too good!! I would call it fantastic!!!”

“It was too fantastic for me that I would call it LOVE!!” said he. I gave him a “I-am-not-understanding-it” look.

“You don’t understand grammatically incorrect sentences, right, my dear English teacher?” he teased.

“Well, the camp was too fantastic for me as well but more importantly I fell in love with you.”

He paused to check my reaction. I guess I was frozen. “Are you listening?”

“Yes I am trying to” I answered honestly.

He continued, “I believe that love is mutual and I am confident you share those feelings with me.”

“You are confident about what I think?!”

“Yes, the difference is that maybe you classify it as friendship which I call love! Love is sometimes too much friendship dear”

I could only remain silent dazed by all that I was hearing.

“Well you have a lifetime to figure out what you feel for me, just friendship or something more!” he seemed hurt.

“It is love”, I told it almost automatically.

He grinned his biggest grin. “Now that said and the fact that we are to return to the lives which we have built for ourselves so far and grown used to before we came here in about an hour,  how are supposed to proceed with our love? The last few days I have given it serious thought and what I am to say, is for you to remember for a lifetime in the name of our love.”

He continued, “You are the girl I love and so I don’t want to give you any false promises of being your life partner, as far as I have understood sweetheart, each one’s life is an exclusive design and even if I did become your husband for most of the time I could only bear witness to the many events that might happen in your life. There is no partnership; your life is solely copyrighted to you. But in the name of a partner I do not want to encroach your life and lay down a thousand more constraints. Life alone can be one’s partner.”

Saying so he took my hands, one in each of his, tears tickled down my cheek comprehending what he just said. “So I want you to get married to your life, its events and experiences which alone is real and only yours and let me be your best man in the wedding.” He placed one of my hands in the other and kissed it.

“Live it every moment with the pride of a woman who made the man she loved feel like a miracle and with the tremendous strength of our love. I want you to understand my darling that I am not abandoning you but doing the best I can, for the good of you, me and our love. Something of such intensity, wildness, I think should not be turned mundane by investing our lives just to understand the depths of it and letting know each other our love which is already known till we ultimately get bored of it. There is a big world out there and a short life in which we are to do so many things. Let our love and the happy things we shared be a forever motivation to get us up and moving when the storm of life hits us.”

His own emotions choked him, he could speak no more. He pulled me closer, it was blessed to place my head on his shoulders. For the next divine thirty minutes we sat there silently his tears trickling on my hand which was still in his, along with mine, relishing and etching the beautiful moments into our memories.  

 The station arrived and we alighted from the cab. Before leaving me to live my life the way he just asked me to, he held my hand and told “This moment and the part of you that loves me is forever mine. Remember, I love you always. Live your life well.”

And he left as my eyes tracked to the very end possible till he became invisible. It seemed like I could see through his head the broad grin he wore as he walked so quickly like he always did to his own world. I could sense that something has changed in him as it has changed in me, and this change is called the love we share that which is going to live with us forever in the literal sense.

I was back to my own world and for almost a year ran those moments over and over in my head, sometimes I was convinced that it was so crazy, and some other times I felt it was the most genuine and mature thing that could happen, and the latter opinion stayed with me.

Whatever it was, the best thing that happened was the new strength that I feel every moment in my life. The lives of my friends and family showed me the different stages a relationship went through, which made me realize what he said about life and its copyrights, the man I was blessed to meet rocketed me into such a space in life that I am almost untouched by trivialities, maybe I was alone in the eyes of people but I never felt lonely, the constant company of life and its extra ordinary experiences enriched every moment as I lived along.

 It is said that beauty lies in the eyes that beholds, it was as if the man I fell in love with had placed a pair of eyes within me that assured me of my beauty. At 40 when my hairs have started to grey I still feel as beautiful as ever, married to life, married with love.